Texas Chainsaw (2013)

Tits n’ blood. That’s all you need to know about Texas Chainsaw, the newest pseudo-entry in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre franchise.

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I’m not the biggest fan of slasher films. As a teenager, I was too much of a wimp to take any pleasure in them, and now that I’m older, the genre bores me. I make an exception for John Carpenter’s Halloween, the film which simultaneously created the teen scream genre and set a rarely-reached standard for that which followed. As for the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre. . . I saw it once. In a bar. On a night when moonshine was on special. You can draw your own conclusions regarding that particular cinematic experience.

In some cases, little (or drunken) knowledge of a franchise’s beginnings operates as a texas_motifdisservice. It is not so with Texas Chainsaw (2013). Witless, blundering and unintentionally hilarious, this is the film you want if you are already several beers into your Saturday night and have no intention of stopping anytime soon. There is a special place in the cinematic universe for a film which uses the extreme close-up of a woman’s ass in cutoffs as a motif. That place is well-stocked with liquor.

I could summarize the plot, but does it really matter? Suffice to say that a member of the murderous Sawyer clan was adopted as an infant and eventually learns of her heritage. The female characters are short on clothing; the menfolk are short on brainpower. However I was pleased to note that neither female lead is punished by her willingness to have sex. Also, the male characters lost their shirts long before their lady counterparts. Progress? I’d like to think so.

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The bigger question at stake is: when did slasher flicks stop even trying to be scary? There isn’t a single moment in Texas Chainsaw (2013) which caused me to jump in my seat. My thought is that the filmmakers have ceased even trying to market to teenagers, who might be counted upon to watch this film sober. Instead, it’s all for drunk college students who have no interest in being frightened.

Texas Chainsaw. It’s there.

2 Stars

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(I own nothing related to the Texas Chainsaw Massacre franchise.)

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